2603, 2013

Are you happy ? … some keys and truths to happiness

By |March 26th, 2013|Life lessons|0 Comments

We all want to be happy. It’s natural. It’s on the top of all of our lists, no matter where in the world we live. It’s a good aim.

But many of us aren’t happy are we. And we chase after many things in life in search of it. Heck, there’s even an entire emerging branch of psychology (positive psychology) that has been coined out of the search of happiness and taking a proactive approach to fostering positive qualities in individuals.

The problem though isn’t in determining what we want, but more in figuring out how we go about attaining it.
What do we change? What will make us happy? How do we attain it?
Here’s a few interesting keys and truths around happiness to help you.

 

* Many things contribute to make us happy
Sonja Lyubomirsky is a professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of California. She and her colleagues have done a lot of research into what makes us happy and strategies that can be used to increase happiness. (Sonja Lyubomirsky, David Schkade and Kennon M. Sheldon, “Pursuing Happiness: The Architecture of Sustainable Change“, 2005). According to this research, 50% of our happiness is genetically determined, 10% is determined by life’s circumstances and the remaining 40% is determined by our intentional activity ie what we think and what we do.

That a large part of our happiness is genetic is intriguing I know. (See this article in Forbes magazine for research done around studying identical twins where the common genetic factors played a large part in their happiness, not just the environmental differences in their lives. Or read more about the ‘happiness gene’ as described in this newspaper article). I guess though, that if genetic factors play a role in someone’s intelligence or athletic prowess, then it is not a stretch to believe that a happy disposition can be genetically predetermined.

But more importantly, let’s focus on the fact that a number of factors contribute to whether we’re happy or not. And

 * Happiness is not just about material possessions or conditions

If you assume the above research is true, then what is means is that all that happiness that we seek through material possessions (the better car, bigger house, more money, the new pair of shoes, that new TV etc.) or through our external circumstances and conditions will only make a small difference in our reported levels of well being and life satisfaction (Lyubomirsky, 2007). Far less than what we’ve been led to believe.

It means if you were rich, had the perfect mate, and were in terrific health, you would only be 10% happier than if you were poor, single, and in bad shape physically. 

If your genetic set point favors misery, making a lot of money or even getting a rock hard body won’t tip the happiness scales in your favor. Sure, you may temporarily feel better following an achievement or gaining some material possession, such as a house, but within a year you’ll be back where you were before the changes occurred.

Surely that can’t be true? Are you telling me that I wouldn’t be happier after becoming a millionaire? Well, research proves otherwise. According to studies of lottery winners (see this article), as well as people who became paraplegics from an accident (see here), both groups returned to their previous level of happiness within less than a year. Or see this well known study where Masai herdsmen rated themselves and had the same happiness as the Forbes 400 richest Americans – see details here). Money wont buy you happiness. And most negative life experiences likewise have only a small impact on long-term satisfaction.

Do you see the point?  If you’re already miserable, your misery will continue even if you become a millionaire but if you’re happy in general, even upon becoming a paraplegic, you’ll eventually return to happiness after an adaptation phase.  We spend our lives trying to change our conditions in order to be happy, without realizing that it’s not working.

 

* Following your dreams / goals is good, but stop and think about the point of your goals

Have you been putting all of your energy into setting and chasing goals that you think will make you happy, but may not do so – or certainly not to the same degree as you thought.

Instead of putting almost all of your energy into chasing things that only slightly improve your happiness,  put your energy into that portion of happiness (40 %) that is in your control (what you do and what you think), and learn to harness it’s potential to bring about a happier life.

 

Conclusion

A number of factors contribute to our happiness. But clearly not the ones we think or that we spend most of our energy on.

Like me, you’re probably surprised that your genetics play such a big part in your level of happiness. But that is not the point – don’t be a slave to your genetic set point – anything can be improved. Just as you can learn more and become more intelligent, or lift more and get stronger – you’re capable of greater, more meaningful, happiness.

So put less focus on material possessions and your external circumstances (which don’t massively affect your level of happiness) and put more focus on your internal thoughts and intentions which make a bigger difference to your happiness (and are also most within your control). Find and use strategies to increase your happiness (exercise gratitude, enjoy pleasurable activities, improve your stress management skills, manage and harness your thoughts, make sure you are striving after the right goals for the right reasons etc).

And even if you never win the award for ‘Happiest Person on the Planet’, deepening your experience of happiness is reward enough !!!

 

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1203, 2013

Pure inspiration VI – Narayanan Krishnan – living a life that counts by giving

By |March 12th, 2013|A Life That Counts|0 Comments

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvJsAaqTuTM

 

In the last two chapters of my book ‘A Life That Counts‘ I write about enjoying the journey and of living a life of significance and purpose that makes a difference and leaves a legacy. Personally, that’s what I want to do. I want to go after my dreams with everything I have and without regret. I want to have a life where I am living my dreams. And I plan to always do this. But I don’t want my dreams to just be selfish. Because if they are – to what end ? I mean, let’s say I have all these personal goals and dreams and I achieve them. Great ! But have I made a difference to others? Am I leaving a legacy ? Am I living a life of real purpose and significance or just living a life of selfish self-fulfillment.

To me Narayanan Krishnan is one of those inspirations to live a life bigger than my own. To think outside of myself. To take myself out of the glass box that I live in. To wake up and get my hands dirtier. To make decisions that will lead me into the life I know I am meant to lead – in charity and philanthropy. Making the world a better place, one person at a time – with a soft heart, but strong head.

Challenge
“Start giving. See the joy of giving.” 
Narayanan Krishna 

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503, 2013

The top 5 regrets people have on their deathbeds

By |March 5th, 2013|A Life That Counts, Life lessons|0 Comments

I wanted to share with you a post by a woman named Bronnie Ware. She worked in palliative care for many years. Her patients were those who had gone home to die and she was with them for the last 3-12 weeks of their lives.  She wrote in her blog about regrets of the dying and I want to share them with you. They’re a good reminder of what’s important and valuable in life and what we should try to remember amidst the busyness and speed of our lives these days.

 

“People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them. When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five: 

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. 

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard. 

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. 

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier. 

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.”

 

Challenge
 Perhaps we should live a little more like we were dying ! With the perspective that you tend to have on your deathbed.
So are there any regrets and life lessons of the dying that you can learn from ? Are there any things that you want to make a conscious choice and decision around (now) in order to change for the better.

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